1. |
purgatorio I
00:50
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holy fire, lend me yourself.
enter my breast and breathe in me,
and i will sing of your slightest shadow,
you can wrap my word in a laurel wreath.
my pain subsided, and my white scars reminded me
of the transience of my everything,
māyā left me on my knees
with three years of lost memories,
two fake teeth,
a weird haircut,
and the undying hum of my being
to which i listen close between instagram stories.
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2. |
estella and the dragon
01:32
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there is danger abound in great expectations, and a hope that won't be stamped down even when i'm dancing on the flames.
i'm so scared of uncritical thought and stubborn aphagia, because even if it never gets better, at least the present moment remains...
what could i become in the heat?
and will the heat take me?
I start to feel it changing...
warm outside at 7pm
something something
"i hope there's a..." &c.
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3. |
black kyanite
00:37
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even if my blade were made of black kyanite, it would melt from heat if not from the ice of the slushy winter in the sterile city, snow piles high so that the tenth street sidewalk becomes a valley in the shadow of my egodeath.
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4. |
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there's a terror in my heart!
and it's patient, albeit stubborn
i appreciate the thought,
i know it's been a while since i've been heard from.
no more smoke caught in my hair!
in fact, it's been more than a year
since i've watched the shower water turn black,
more now than ever it turns red
and the gold is fading to gray,
seared by those awful rays
but you know, hey, i'm still the girl who loved you last spring
and at night you whisper in my ear
through whipping winds, a gossamer voice suggests that you're still here
and you say:
"---"
there's a terror in my heart!
and it's patient albeit stubborn
i appreciate the thought,
i know it's been a while since i've been heard from,
but where did you get those shoes?
where did you get those shoes?
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5. |
gin and diet tonic
01:08
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my $2 shein pillcutter body
looks so fucking stupid in the half-light of your bedroom,
but you can hardly see the tanlines between my chest and the top of my stomach,
filled with gin and diet tonic, i'm so drunk,
and the lights are off and we move so slowly that if you were watching you might not even notice that, well, i am barely breathing.
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6. |
pebble and rock
00:43
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"we will always love you, just as pebble loves little rock
even when the hair on your chin grows in long and thick and dark"
we will always love you, even if and especially when inhousepharmacy.vu runs out of stock, baby"
- my anima sings to me after we fuck with the lights off.
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7. |
healing song #286
02:04
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scrape off the limescale,
piece your muscles together again,
and acknowledge the sweetness, like i tell my best friend.
the air is cooling now, that the flowers have all been tinned,
but a verdant-gold goodness looms over your head,
like a window to heaven,
or a child in a basket,
the aureole of a martyr to the uncreated light.
my little world collapsed,
my little ceiling caved in,
and i felt the world's power in the reflexive movements of egodeath,
and oh, oh my soul! i've wanted to die,
i looked for hope in low places,
star-studded but sterile grime, but i was...
i was wrong! i fell for my gethsemane's edenic sprawl!
my own spit in my face, and a mirror to hate,
i looked up,
my distance from the stars the space between the atoms that shapes the hands of my god.
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8. |
heavy
00:50
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i dig my elbows into my hips,
as your hips dig into me,
and i'll be grateful for what i have been given,
soft and moaning underneath
the beating weight of the world,
something evil trapped in my chest,
the heavy burden or possessionless love,
the heavy cost of electrolysis.
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9. |
american idol
01:11
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i close my eyes, it's a bas-relief or photo negative of your face
i start to lie down in my grave with a flask of fresh water
for the slim chance i make it out of this, that i am caught or something snaps
we look, oh, really really hard to the stars for a reason for any of this
i told you i could feel myself becoming a scary person
you told me that you were scared of me.
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10. |
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...but then again, maybe love wasn't quite what i thought: instead of a joint-crackling submission, it's a conscious dialogue, and that sucks!
but on a clear day i can see it, ten miles and a mountain between us, and it's not waiting for me,
and it's no perfect forever, da, tao, or invincible disguise, yeah, that lasts all day.
still if my love is my own construction, it is not exempt from the laws of conservation, so what i make is what i take,
and maybe i've wasted the past five years of my life having sex and being nice.
...
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11. |
purgatorio II
01:47
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so you see...
i had wanted to sing from the impression: the moment when the razor met my wrist
i wanted to feel the satisfaction, trade pure love for total death,
but i had to watch my scars fade away
and how miserable it was to see my pain abstracted by time,
to no longer want to die (!!!)
and thus disappeared my god:
the warm apparition in my blood-stained sheets
and my hope for a rapture.
salvation cannot come if i'm not weak
but if i'm strong i'm the weakest messiah in the entire world—
i can't even redeem the person i was:
a sixteen-year-old boy in love with a girl
oh! i've become a cynic again.
"there is no such thing as deliverance" outside your hands
we've drank and our arms are tired and so we'll place down our chalices
and i am carried further backwards by the wreckage of my history
angelus novus borne back ceaslessly
by the soft and the staggered tremors
of a love that won't be left behind
but still fades until the scars grow white...
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sean thornton Queens, New York
22 they/them nyc
sean thornton recommends:
soundcloud 2020-2023
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rory gets it like no one's ever gotten it before
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summit / cheek
by Jackson Resnick
jackson is my war buddy and helped mix and master perfect forever and obviously knows what's up
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Into The Glow
by Michael Haggerty
mike is very very very talented and has helped me tremendously with production with my earliest recordings and i miss him and owe him the world
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