even if there were majesty in knowing what my suffering meant to me, what would i do with the information? would my response be mechanistic? would i pull out my camera and try to take a picture of it? would i document and share and flex and sell it? i am detached and nostalgic, i feel edith's breath on the nape of my neck. i am hermetic and obsessive, obsessed with google photos and unending performance. how could this be sustainable living? how could this be sustainable living? i spent the summer soaking up my own swollen mythology, but when the first cold wind popped it, i felt myself dissolve into an idea, hanging up photographs with my mylar foil hands, i am a iridescent balloon of a person. graft yourself onto me! i am a six foot tall projection screen! how could this be sustainable living? how could this be sustainable living?

nodding off on the bus ride, oil spill sunset - pale and huge sky, in the back where there's no reading light, i have three whole seats to myself and i am alone for the first time in a while, with fantasies of what it could mean to be understood completely, i want to be loved by my friends tonight fantasies of what it could mean to be understood completely, i want to have friends to love tonight. when i wake up, i'm a block away from penn station, everybody's getting up. i get off the bus and pick up my stuff, with rabid chills everywhere everywhere, and soap and shit in the air in the air, i crawl back to my empty apartment with fantasies of what it could mean to be understood completely, i want to have friends to love tonight. fantasies of what it could mean to be understood completely, i want to be loved by my friends tonight.

i'm reaching for my phone and opening the camera as i head inside to get my next drink, say some inane shit and laugh at myself before i find a drink and relocate everyone else. today is the last day of the longest week of my life. today is the last day of the longest year of my life, and i'm so fucked up that i can't talk, been in pennsylvania for the last four useless months. i covered myself in glitter because i wanted to be loved tonight i covered myself in glitter because i at least wanted to look lovable tonight, so i'll lay down on the lawn, throw a fist in my palm, and i will hold down my skirt so it doesn't roll up, and you won't see any scars, and when i wake up, i'll get my nose swabbed and then move back to new york. today is the last day of the longest week of my life. today is the last day of the longest year of my life... and i know that i'd start crying if i saw myself now at 17. two years ago, i was happy—in love and in love with the world surrounding me. she said "tell me he's ok, you know that i still care about him." "tell me he's ok, you know that i still care about him." "tell me he's ok, you know that i still care about him." she used a capital h, because it will never happen, capital h, o! it will never happen, "tell me he's ok, you know i deserve it" capital h, yeah, you know i deserve it. capital h, my baby called me a man. today is the last day of the longest year of my llife. today is the last day of the longest week of my life. i don't know where i am when i wake up. i haven't been happy in so long, jesus christ. today is the last day of the longest year of my life.

hooray for prehistoric spring! i nod my head and allow for the newly melted snow to fall on my crown, submitting— just as i let my defending arms to rest at my sidesaand let the newly mined blood flow down my wrists and fingers. arise! arise! arise!

cheap rope lights, and a tiny foggy window and four-pointed stars in your eyes i have know you, shirtless harsh vanilla smell, for almost two whole years now, and i'm looking for an out of the... bleak sterility of everything that i know, uninhabited bodies independent only of the ivyglow. shoving bread into my mouth, i'm wanna cut myself clean! (or cut myself off clean from all the lovely people that love me...) but! salvation! will not come to me via boxcutter or self-pity! i need to set myself free from the... bleak sterility of everything that i know, uninhabited bodies independent only of the ivyglow.

now that i have looked my stubborn pride in the eyes, i can recognize it as the glue on my heels that binds me to my attention span, as small and stubborn as a grain of sand, i am "boundless" because no absolutes can contain me! i am concretely unsteady! if you held me down, removed yourself from me, even then my eyes wouldn't cloud! i have stopped with pesky measuring! my blood pressure is highest when i am sleeping! i have found sustainable living in escaping the reflected world!